I have always been weary of being the lesser of any single one of my peers while simultaneously having been ashamed believing that a person can be less than another. I’m mostly afraid of being less efficient and/or knowledgeable.
I’ve grown to loathe work. Well, I mostly despise my current work (as well as how many jobs I must have to keep from going mad) and what I trade-in of myself for its mediocre stipend. My thirst for literature is gone, as well as my yearning to be creative. In addition, I’ve completely stopped playing guitar and I write (creatively) very rarely; and when I do, it is absolutely wretched.
I found myself speaking to a coworker about my jail-time and the “lessons” I’ve learned from it; however it wasn’t until now that I’ve realized that I have reacted completely horribly to those lessons. Despite what some may think, truly, I am a pacifist. But quite honestly, up until now, I’ve looked at life as a game solely rested upon an offensive-based strategy. I’m now realizing this plan has created more obstacles with people and situations than it has resolved.
I am exhausted. The strategy (half-schemed by an overly proud, post-adolescent punk-nerd) I have been using is even more drained.
Lately I have been finding myself in conflict with who I want to be now and what I have actually become, so it’s time for a new strategy. I don’t need to remember to breathe; I need to remember to actually take some time to smell. I don’t need a plan of attack; I’m much due for a more “relax and build” approach. I don’t need to listen anymore.
I need to drink it all in.
